Quarantine-Proof Your Marriage

The coronavirus precaution includes quarantining yourself within your home with the people you live with….everyday. This can put a significant strain on a relationship. For most individuals the norm includes spending 40 hours a week at work, reducing the amount of time spent with your significant other. Therefore, how does one protect the core structure of the relationship without having any personal space.

This creates a “pressure cooker” environment. With the added stress and anxiety of the unknown with this virus, issues that have remained dormant within a relationship now begin to unfold. How does one maintain a healthy relationship amid this pandemic.

Here are three things to be mindful as we try to survive this:

  1. Stick to a routine at home. Do not wake up on a Tuesday morning and decide the house needs to be cleaned and expect your significant other to cooperate when you usually clean the house on the weekend. Ensure you are communicating your plans ahead of time of what your schedule is so you both can plan your days accordingly. 
  2. Try to still carve out time for yourself. This can include you going for a walk or working out or just simply reading a book for 30 minutes to 1 hour. If you have children your significant other is responsible for the children during that time period and vice versa. I also want to include not obsessing over the details and updates of COVID-19. Time for yourself should not include anything related to COVID-19 but still adhere to the guidelines. 
  3. Along with ensuring you have time for yourself, ensure you are intentional about the time spent with each other. Eat your meals together. If a situation arises, this is a good time to sit and discuss it. With the increase in time spent together, it is easier to become annoyed with little things that build. If you are unable to discuss these situations in a civilized manner it could potentially be beneficial to seek a mediator through tele-counseling. 

The heightened anxiety due to the unknown of the virus and the disruption in routine can cause individuals to react very differently than normal. Be understanding and try to view actions from a positive point of view…and remember this too shall pass. 

“…for better or worse, in sickness and in health…”

The Task Force

In previous centuries, gender roles were very well defined. This was very evident within the household. The husband had specific jobs within the home and the wife had her assigned role.

Over time these roles have evolved, however what works well in someone else’s marriage and home, will not necessarily work in yours. “Traditional” gender roles task can be very successful for some marriages, while being detrimental to others.

In marriage, the idea is to think of yourself and your spouse as a task force, you are a unit. As your marriage transitions through various life obstacles, you may find yourself completing tasks that were deemed for “the husband” or “the wife”. However, when functioning as a unit, it just becomes a task. Life is unpredictable, accept it, grow with it, adjust your sails and keep exploring it. As circumstances arise in life, it will challenge your marriage, your unit. However, communicate and compromise. Discuss the challenges, and figure out the adjustments that must be made within the household. Various task arise within relationships but the goal is to work together as a team to conquer these tasks, whether it be cooking, cleaning, working, finances or parenting.

You can never predict what life will throw your way, unemployment, illness, promotions demanding more time, regardless of what life brings, discuss, adjust and grow!

It is the set of the sails, not the direction of the wind that determines which way we will go. -Jim Rohn

Deal Breakers

Throughout the dating process we consciously or subconsciously formulate ideas of things we like and don’t like, as well as things we want and don’t want in a relationship.

Take some time and truly contemplate what your deal breakers are in a marriage. You can even make a physical list.

Prior to getting married did you and your spouse discuss any of the things on your list?

If you aren’t already married, take some time with your significant other to review the items on your “deal breaker” list.  You must be able to have honest and open communication about what you will and will not tolerate. However, keep in mind that marriage is work and no marriage is perfect. Conflicts will arise. However, these should not be considered deal breakers.  

Deal breakers are personal preferences (and that is okay). Deal breakers may develop due to social pressures, ignorance or even stigma. Closely scrutinize your list of deal breakers and ask yourself “why is this a deal breaker and is this deal breaker negotiable”? If it is negotiable, it is not a deal breaker! If you cannot justify why it’s a deal breaker, it is more likely not a deal breaker!

Now, review your list again and ask yourself “will or does my spouse depict any of the items of my deal breaker list”? Give yourself time to think about the answer. If the answer is yes to any of the questions, you’re already setting yourself up for a failed marriage. The “honeymoon” phase of a marriage often camouflages many issues and potentially problematic conflicts that may arise.  That is why it is imperative to discuss these topics in painstaking detail. Many ignorantly assume that “love” will take care of conflicts that may arise. However, love with no action will not. Remember, love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). For love to endure it requires action.

Be intentional! “Proper planning prevents poor performance”. Discussing your deal breakers, contributes to the planning process for a long and successful marriage and ensures you are marrying the right individual. Your “realistic” deal breaker list is your “red flag” guide.

Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect and rock-solid commitment between a husband and wife.
-Dave Willis

The Gardener

I recall on so many occasions my mom spending Sundays outside caring for her plants. I have tried, on multiple occasions to develop a “green thumb” to no avail. My mom has the ultimate “green thumb”. On multiple occasions I have watched her take a dying plant and within a few months the plant is thriving. I have always asked her “how do you do this”? Her simple response is, “you must take the time to care for the plant if you want it to flourish. You must water and nourish the plant. You must place it in the appropriate environment for it to bloom. It is vital to also ensure the plant is protected from insects and pest that will strip the plant of its beauty, “keep pest away”.

Now think about your current relationship, we are all seeking longevity. However, are you taking care of your marriage? Think about your marriage as a plant. You see a beautiful green plant with flourishing leaves and think to yourself, I would really love to have that plant in my home. However, the individual that currently has the luxurious plant has invested time, energy and effort into their plant. They have studied the best way to care for their plant, and the needs of their plant. Are you willing to do the same?

A successful marriage takes time, energy and intentional effort. Some say that “marriage is hard”. Marriage is not hard. There are tough times in a marriage, but those tough times should not define your marriage. Just as a plant needs constant TLC so does your marriage. Are you currently putting in the work necessary for your marriage to thrive?

Ensure you are watering and nourishing your marriage, spending quality time together (see post titled: Clear the Clutter). Ensure you have the correct potting soil for you plant. Your marriage must be planted in a good foundation to flourish. People get married for an array of reasons. However, without the appropriate “potting soil” challenges will arise that shake your marriage at the roots and without a good foundation, it will be difficult to maintain a successful, happy and thriving marriage. Are you in the appropriate environment for your marriage to bloom? There are indoor plants and outdoor plants. There are desert plants and plants that flourish in water. Every relationship will flourish in a different environment, ensure your marriage is rooted in an environment in which it can thrive. Does your marriage have a good supportive network? (see post titled: Couple Friendships). Lastly, you have a growing thriving plant. However, you have not made the appropriate arrangements to ensure that pest do not invade your plant. Always remember that not everyone is rooting for your marriage to succeed. It is imperative that you know the difference. Ensure that you have built a “greenhouse” so impenetrable that negativity cannot gain access. You must identify the pest and take measures to keep them away from your plant.

“A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expanded effort on them”. -Liberty Hyde Bailey

Couple Friendships

Do you have couple friends?

There is an understated importance in understanding that couples need other couples in their supportive network. It is vital to surround yourself with other married couples who are like-minded and successful in sustaining their relationship. These connections and friendships can ultimately strengthen your relationship. The concept of taking marriage advise from someone who is not successfully in a relationship is very strange to me. I say “in a successful relationship” because not every relationship is a thriving union. Many individuals are in relationships that are detrimental to them. Therefore, the couple(s) you chose to surround your marriage with, should consist of individuals who provides a safe space for you to divulge situations that may arise and offer guidance.

Relationships with other couples provides you the opportunity to discuss marital problems, every marriage has their own unique set of conflicts that arise. However, within most marriages there are a few similarities among the struggles that are encountered. The opportunity to discuss these situations with other couples, who have successfully hurdled this barrier, can provide insight on solutions that can empower your relationships.

The notion that what happens in a marriage stays in a marriage is true, to a certain extent. I stumbled upon a quote that stated, “wives need a like-minded safe place to divulge (and) husbands need a like-minded brotherhood to decompress”. There are many benefits in having an outside perspective on situations that arise within your marriage (please keep in mind that the individuals with whom you discuss situations within your marriage, should be individuals with whom you trust. As stated prior, but cannot be stressed enough, these are individuals who create a safe space for you to be vulnerable and open). There are so many individuals who believe that they are alone in their situations, when in reality many others are experiencing the same situations within their own relationship. Whether it’s financial, sexual, conception, communication, etc. having the opportunity to discuss these topics with other couples will provide the support and insight needed.

It’s also great just hanging out and have a good time with others in the same phase of life as you are. We do not treasure the idea of being away from our significant other for extended periods of time, we ultimately like hanging out with our significant other (that’s why we married them). Therefore, hanging out with other couples provides the opportunity for you and your significant other to go out and have fun. The camaraderie that can develop, knowing that you are spending time with others who truly understand that marriage is work and are willing to invest the time and effort to develop a successful marriage, provides a support that can ultimately build your relationship and bond with your spouse.

Surround yourself with individuals at various stages in their relationship. Surround yourself with individuals who are “seriously dating” (not fly by flings), individuals who are engaged, newlyweds and various stages of marriage (5,10,20, 50 years). Learn from other marriages and encourage other relationships and marriages.

**Disclaimer: I truly love and treasure my relationships with my single friends **

“Surround yourself with people who get it”. -Unknown 

Clear the Clutter

When you reside in a home for an extended period, you automatically begin to collect and store “stuff”. Before you know it, you have a drawer filled with stuff, “clutter”. You have accumulated items in the garage, you have an office filled with papers and documents and your closet begin to grow with clothes and shoes etc.

Marriages are the same way. When you first become married, all you have is each other and you begin to build a life together. However, as we begin to build a life together we start to collect stuff within our marriage creating clutter. These items often refocus our attention from each other. We begin to worry more about the home (purchasing a home or the value of the home you currently have), the car, life insurance policies (make sure you have one) and becoming financially stable as a couple. Eventually, children are added to the mix and now you have completely neglected each other by focusing on the clutter.

It is vital to take time to clear the clutter and refocus on each other. Refocus on the love you have for each other and the commitment you made to each other. Love must be nurtured to grow and develop.

Spend time together, building and understanding the love language of each other, discussing each other’s goals, dreams and aspirations. Spend time connecting with each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As time goes by, individuals within a relationship grow and develop which can foster changes within the individual. It is vital to provide each individual space and support to grow and develop. However, at the same time growing together as a couple. Do not allow the clutter to grow to such a substantial level that you both grow individually and separately.

A key component for my husband and I is “date night”. It is such a simple concept but one that is often overlooked. We met when we were both in college focusing on our studies realizing we spend very little time together…and thus “Thursday Night Date Night” was developed and has continued over the years. The rule is simple we cannot schedule anything on date night that does not involve both of us and we must both agree on whatever is scheduled. Most times we simply go out to dinner, or we spend time together at home. There are a few times in which we will go out to dinner with another couple (The importance of relationships with other couples will be addressed in another post ).

During date night we focus solely on each other, we clear the clutter. Date night provides a reminder of the commitment we made to each other. It strengthens the friendship we have built and increases our “connectiveness”.

Remember to clear the clutter.

“Love grows best in little houses, with fewer walls to separate. Where you eat and sleep so close together, you can’t help but communicate. And if we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss. Love grows best in houses just like this.” -Doug Stone    

Self-Love…The Building Block

Learning to love yourself is one of the key components to being able to love someone else. Self- love is one of the many building blocks that adds to the foundation of any relationship/marriage. That is why I felt it imperative to address the concept of self-love first and foremost. Without self-love it will be very difficult to acknowledge and address other components of a relationship.

I read somewhere that “the relationship with yourself, sets the tone for every other relationship you have”. Treating yourself with love and respect will set the requirement that your significant other also treats you with love and respect. Unless you are happy within yourself, you will be unhappy and dissatisfied within any relationship you form.

Your relationship with your partner should be a partnership. An individual within a relationship that lacks self-love can create a reliance and codependency that can be unhealthy for a relationship. The phrase “two halves becoming whole” is technically a deception. A relationship should consist of two “whole individuals” coming together to love, empower, support and elevate the other person. Someone should not have to complete you, they should complement you. They should not have to validate you, but they should value you. A relationship should not take away your individuality, you should still nurture and grow yourself within the relationship.

Within any relationship, the relationship standard you set for yourself will ultimately decide the relationship you attract. Having the ability to love yourself, will ultimately enhance the relationship with your significant other.

“Self-love is not selfish; you cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself” -Unknown 

The Journey Begins

Life and relationships can be complicated at times.

My name is Shaenor, and I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

I have always been intrigued by how we, as humans, interact with each other.

We must constantly navigate challenges in every aspect of our relationships, especially within the marital relationship. Sometimes, you may find yourself overwhelmed, but you are not alone in your struggle.

In this blog, I draw upon my experience as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and personal lessons from my own marriage to provide insight on how to maintain a fulfilling marriage. I have incorporated different theories focusing on the mechanics of the marital relationship as well as antidotes from my personal experience to provide tools for building a stronger, happier and more fulfilling union.

My hope is that as you read this blog, you will be empowered to successfully navigate the challenges you face in your relationships with your spouse or significant other, friends, family, and even yourself.

Cheers to the Journey!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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